i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you would pick up someone in the library
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
