i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
