i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she peed on how many people?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
