Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
