is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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