My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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