4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
