the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
