Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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