There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
