one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
