Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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