I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
