you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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