I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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