I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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