Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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