Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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