soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
