Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
