Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
