I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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