when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
