when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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