I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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