im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
