oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
