I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you never un-have a 4some
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
