Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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