Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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