someone threw a dead crab at me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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