I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
