I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
