I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
