i wish my penis had a tongue
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
