how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this just has baby written all over it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize