I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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