ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
