I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
