Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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