I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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