He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
