we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
