Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
