im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize