who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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