I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
