last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
