Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
