They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
