remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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