Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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