So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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