My liver just broke up with me...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
