Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
