I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
