My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
